return

MY HEART IS HEAVY

welcome to my dark and twisted mind... haha just kidding! just some thoughts go here :P

february 15, 2021 10:32pm

FMASMDL THE SUSPENSE MUSIC FROM YAOI THE FANIME IS FROM SWEET POOL I GOT MF WHIPLASH WHEN I HEARD ITTTTT

february 15, 2021 8:28pm

i... was not meant to be happy huh lmao litrally spent the last hour thinking abt how i could kms haha im just gonna metaphorically die... become someone else fk this sht

february 14, 2021 1:39pm

supppp happy vday sexies :smirk: i watched sk8 the infinity last night and can say.... i love it so much LOL idk the ost is really fun, it sort of reminds me of initial d (literally just in terms of the races) the characters are fun and i like their designs!! cherry's so fkn smexy and joe big tiddies!! fnlasndlas i think its gonna be 12 episodes or so, so i think its abt half way done :0 idk!! i really enjoy it :3 like the animation is also pretty good esp during the skateboarding scenes and its just overall a really fun series to watch im excited hehe. i honestly started watching it bc i saw the op on yt and was like... wtf is happening this is more than just skateboarding isnt it and here we are.

january 28, 2021 11:16pm

on a lighter note i got into vtubers recently!! just wanted to talk abt them somewhere heh... i first found out abt them bc one of my friends on twt was rlly into kuzuha n kanae :0 so i watched some of their stuff and it was p fun hehe uhh n they collab w a lot of ppl and i think the next clip i saw was akina and kanae? so i then i found akina and watched some of his clips it was fun!! also listened to his covers and theyre rlly good ngl theyre still on loop. also listen to a lot of ryushen covers i love their voice hehe. after that i found togabito :0 i lovee gaku's design its so cute?? the lil like hair that looks liek ears im going crazy TOP TIER DESIGN!! i wanna see more gaku stuff but theres like no translated clips and my japanese is abysmal LMAOO so i mostly watch kenmochi clips i think he's pretty funny idk i like his voice it sounds like a friend and i like his attitude towards things and seems like a nice dude!! jsut... ignoring the loli sht like idk its weird bt i guess... as long as he's not an actual pedo but... (.)(.) same w akina and the shota stuff nlalsd like i get that its also just a character but sometimes the lines are blurred idk whats real n whats "in character"... anyways continuing, i watched a clip of fuwa minato exploring the nijisanji fes in minecraft and idk hes rlly nice n super funny !! his design is. no offense i dont like his outfit :// but his personality makes up for it so wild hehahah. shellin is also p fun but i also dont like his design that much aha then mayuzumi came in and now we have collected all the meshers members heh. i think mayuyu is a nice change of pace from all the other hyper members ive been watching nlfasld my friend kin assigned me melissa so i started watching them too and theyre w ibrahim and furen a lot so a nice package hehe now im rlly into kaida haru hes super sweet and fun i love his design and its so cute when hes bullied aha... also great at guitar and singing MWAHH i love u haru... that is my nijisanji adventures so far :3 there are others that ive seen a few clips of but im still learning and theres So many out there

january 28, 2021 10:03pm

no obligation to read this i just needa let it out i guess. idr want replies or anything i'm fine. hmmm just wanna disappear but also dont want to undo years of healing i've gone thru lawl. well idk if i can call it healing but uhh character development? def a better person than i was at like idk 14. i would think i have better morals/social skills/emotional umm idk ability to handle them or something. like i'll see some memes on pinterest and im like... dam lawl couldnt be me hope u figure that out! looking thru my past posts damn i was so happy when i first started LOL. and then i just got rlly sad lawl idk its partially bc i Only came her to vent when i was feeling depressed and this wasnt evn all the times aha. bt anyways im turning back into shinji :/ hedgehogging myself but its kinda hard since i got close to a lot of ppl -_- which is a good thing but !! dam it i just want to not exist is that too much to ask for. idk i got rid of most of my socials and i dont feel like responding in group chats bc i just feel like it doesnt evn matter ppl dont rlly care abt what i have to say n i talk too dam much -_- ill respond to like dms or anything urgent or in need of responses immediately idw shirk all responsibility but i just want a break.... for my own sake too :S dont wanna bug my friends when im like this sigh... maybe ill move somewhere else and get a new identity i do not want to be known! do not think of me. do not speak of me i do not exist... i feel very.... nihilistic i guess like nothing rlly matters *shrug* days just go by... have no ambition or goals or rlly any rzn to b here i just am. evn if i didnt exist it wouldnt rlly matter u know likeee there r ppl who can easily take my place doesnt rlly matter idk other ppl are into the things im into, ppl know more things than me, more skilled than me idk im just... avg. generic. mediocre so nothing i do rlly matters i guess! god theres so much on my mind this might just keep growing as a post LOL idk i was So obsessed with finding romance for like the past yr but now idk... i dont care!!! nothing matters!! whats da point lawl. and its not evn like that i hate myself or anything i think im fine just insignificant i guess aha. idt other ppl rlly hate me idk maybe they do bt doesnt rlly matter *shrug* i dont particularly enjoy feeling like this it's def an odd outlook on things and likea complete 360 in my regular mentality. idk ive been feeling depressed since like last month and its been almost nonstop like idk usually they dont last this long so i feel like im faking it. whole other issue. look at me revealing too much abt myself haw haw. anyways. yea idk i guess i would like to "go back to normal" but also... maybe i'll just figure out how to adjust to this again... IDK UGHH this sht sucks i feel like im being immature for acting like this but im also like. whats wrong with just being alone for a bit... maybe i dont want to talk it out with People. idk a lot of my past posts still hold (not the simping ones those are so mf cringe i no longer care for that man and i also dont care for romance anymore rlly) but yea idk like. feel like my input isnt rlly valued and jsut gets overshadowed by other ppl anyways despite how loud n annoying ive become -_- im going back to closing myself off fk this sht why did i become an open book extrovert funnyman like stfu for once. still listen to vocaloid to cope... idk im not rlly sad tho... just apathetic keh... also yea idk the whole personal development thing.. fake mento illness all struggles ive dealt with in the past... sick of it.

april 7th, 2020 3:26am

holy !! a non-emo blog post hehe finally!! anyways!! i was just thinking like... i really like how my site is turning out this time arnd like ive invested a lot more time into this compared to the last time i redid the site LOL that one was SO UGLY n i left it up for SO LONG NDALSDMA evn my original edgy manga theme was better... like it was rlly basic and didnt rlly have much goin for it but i felt like... idk i liekd it more LOL its ok tho we r fixing her up after having left for so long!!i basically just had this site as a bio lol like carrd but with a few extra links but now... we work. i'm still trying to figure things out honestly and i'm struggling to think of diff ways to stylize my page LOLLL im not that creative haha but once i finish up with ocs which may take a while lol but im gonna add a few fun pgs hehe

on a different note tho, just thinking abt my ocs... specifically bb cream. so like originally!! i was gonna write halo first n i also invested a sht ton of time into that ocverse too so like bruh anyways flower galaxy n halo r actually.. kind of related! so matt n jinsoo r humans in halo right n theyre hella involved bruh i wrote all this in my Qoohme but idk i just thought the whole idea of soulmates is kinda cute like theyre tgthr in halo and in fg !! they rlly were fated to meet..,, n i do wanna see if i can incorporate this into fg but i also just wanna leave that as a cute slice of life romance... hmm ill think abt it a bit more but also idk if it shld b like. Theyre Exactly the same in both universes.. bc thatd b wild so i might change em up bc it Is an alternate universe uwu

march 7th, 2020 1:37am

uhhhh diary time! :D anyways... i just wannya say... :v... flasmd idk i cant say it nvm

february 6th, 2020 3:21am

wow its been so long since ive last been here... havent posted since last yr ba dum tss lol a lot has happened since the last blog post lol but anyways... feelin a lil sad.. just wannya vent as per usual.. idk ig im just u know... goin thru it lol my head hurts so bad i havent eaten anything i cant sleep its rl emo hours u_u n like idk i feel like overall my yr has been pretty good but idk im just fkin ugh u know!! im just listening to kpop rn... feeling all the emotions at once whatever

september 29th, 2019 11:38pm

LOL IM.. hella whipped man... he can literally ignore me all day but i still think abt him w/ heart eyes HAHA... like i kinda overreacted n thought he was like... tryna be nice n slowly stop replying to me since his msgs come so... far apart.. n maybe he is lol but im gonna allow myself to be delusional.. just for a bit.. lol n say hes just a bad texter... bc like!! his responses arent like.. uninterested or anything like that... theyre just so spaced out and LIKE ok yea hes busy... i Know that... but flsnd im so selfish i wanna talk to him all day... but yea... not everyone has time to chat all day... ;w; anyways... i love his use of emojis its sooooooo cute i wuv him... QAQ

september 28th, 2019 9:45pm

ygotas saved my life... lol jkjk but anyways im feeling a little less sad dead and empty inside LOL i was looking at a pic of me... and my current crosh... n like. i think i Genuinely have feelings rn,,, like yea maybe im projecting the thought of a romantic relationship with someone onto him but also... bruh i wuv him... i havent had a crush in so long like its just been dudes i Dont like back, random dudes on social media after seeing their dating profiles which rlly went no where and no hard feelings lmao and like some confusion with my friends but like. Right Now. like i get all excited when i think abt him and like idk he makes me rlly happy...i just have so much love to give.. and like ik i already give it to my friends but theres so much more i wanna give heheehe... idk this is like bare minimum but like im rlly hppy he did this? like he was like i think i can make time in my busy week to check out this club ur in!! LIKE BROOO i love u so much... quality time is my number 1 love language and idk im just so happy n hes so cute n seems so sweet and hes a CANCER LOL wahhhh luv u [redacted]

september 28th, 2019 8:18pm

the sad...... shes back u_u... honestly i was gonna come on here earlier to talk abt smthin positive... maybe ill come back to that lol... but bruh... :( its just feels bad hours ig lol i nvr feel like crying until i start talking abt it LOL but thats just how it be... idk i rlly hate this like... feeling randomly sad... but like its so sporadic?? a lot of the time im like.. ok pretty normal but then i just crash really really hard lol and now that its like... almost winter... bruh... this shts gonna get rl bad istg... but idk i guess i'll like get thru it i guess... like.... idk i rlly wanna seem like im ok but nflasnd not to sound stupid but i dont think i am :(( but at the same time im ok a lot of the time... so it rlly sucks and makes me second guess myself a lot... like i Know im not doing this for attn but u know hot it be... brain... hurt.... sigh...

september 1st, 2019 11:29pm

anyways... i rlly love vocaloiddddddddd its all ive been listening to recently... like for the nostalgia and to help me cope LOL w being sad n sht like that but i seriously love it w my whole heart!! but like idk vocaloid always gets me pumped n feeling good... my dopamine... and i genuinely love like how talented the ppl involved are? like the produceres animators artists singers dancers like wow... truly an art form

september 1st, 2019 11:17pm

wahh schools starting soon ahahaha.... bruh im kinda sad i didnt spend more time drawing but i guess?? i just wasnt so into it? but after like kinda getting back into anime? in a way lol and getting into homestuck its like... i wanna draw after seeing all this good ass fanart everywhere? so maybe.. hm we'll see!! n i kinda wish i took better care of my neocities but it rlly comes n goes in spurts when i wanna update it lol... anyways i rlly came here 2.. haha vent! once again but hey... c'est my safe space lol so idk.. like sometimes!! v rarely but like i just feel like? my sort of input? ig i could word it like that? isnt as like valued?? as some of my other friends or its not like recieved w the same enthusiasm like theyll say smthin abt one topic say, and then we all talk abt it n stuff but then when i sort of mention like something abt the same topic but sort of pertaining to me its like... cricket noises ok moving on... or at least.. thats just how it feels to me :<< but oh well lol whatever

august 10th, 2019 12:20am

sometimes... i think about how i really lack like.. technical skills when i draw and its kinda been like... a lil discouraging but i also know like i cant improve if i dont keep drawing?? lolol

august 9th, 2019 10:10pm

omg..... i havent updated flower galaxy in 3 months?? im so sorry nflansd

august 9th, 2019 2:04pm

hey guys im feeling better LMAO i just.... sigh anyways... love 50% off... ygotas.. n.flying. ace. my emotional support in these trying times

august 3rd, 2019 2:15pm

ughh h i just come onto here to rant bc.. idk i dont wanna post this sht anywhere like. public lol but this summer has aactually been so killer like. im so sad all the time this is the worst it's been in a few yrs like. my level of social interaction has been suuuper low and like ik people have been busy with school and work but i just feel so unbelievably shtty all the time im literally shinji... and when i do hang out its a lot of fun and im happy but then i just go back to feeling like sht so i feel likes its more of like a temporary fix than anything sigh but??? idk what happened like?? i genuinely thought i was getting better and that i was really confident in who i was as a person and my personal development but has that all just gone to sht ? like what even happened? is it just my brain ?? idk... i kinda wanna go to a doctor n then get a referral to go to a psychiatrist but like... am i even valid or is this just like "oh ur just sad sometimes like everyone else" im so sad lmaoo and like ik my friends and family are there for me but i just ?? dont wanna open up sometimes like?? i dont Know why i'm like this lmaoo god i wanna d*e... i seriously havent felt this bad in years why....

july 13th, 2019 10:05pm

idk why im so sad so often like. :(( idk like... i thought i was like in an ok state of mind but was that all just me managing to dstract myself from my issues for that long?? idk im fukin stressed thinking abt this like maybe this is just a relapse but also ughgnggh im gonna cry im so sad like!! ik ive nvr been diagnosed or anything so idw say like. im depressed or relapsing or w/e but also :( like i think its from like a lot of pent up negative emotions that i literally never let out bc i dont mf talk abt my problems bc i want ppl to think like. ive got it firgured out im living my best life and that ive grown and matured but like here i am cryin in da club. like theres so many things going on right now in my brain and its just so frustrating having all these thoughts like. literally everything has been negative and idk ive been trying to ig distract myself for the most part but i just wanna stop feeling this way...

june 18th, 2019 9:12pm

hewwo neocities its been a while heh... i guess maybe its bc i've been feeling more comfortable with posting on twitter? like i still feel kinda annoyin bc i post so gotdam much lol

may 25th, 2019 12:27am

jungwoo is my ideal type... just sayin lmfaoo hes just so babie i love it fasndlsa but anyways!! what i rlly wanted to talk abt was flower galaxy fnlasd ok so like.. ive been p vocal abt Not being content w how its been looking bc its fukin ugly like fr real.. but i think its bc the first 2 chapters i did in one night bc i rlly wanted to just like get it done n post it since im impatient af!! but like actually working on each individual panel has made it look like 40x better lool i have the ability to make it not ugly n im glad im actually... doing it rather than just producing more n more trash LMFAOO

may 23rd, 2019 3:57pm

i wanna make a visual novel *vibrates*

may 18th, 2019 11:08am

so like yesterday i went to the movies w/ my friends n since some of them arent takin classes rn i dont see em unless we plan to go out or smthin n one of them was like aw its too bad ur going away during the long weekend n i was all like haha did u wanna hang or smthin n he was just like yea :) i love him so cuwute

may 18th, 2019 10:20am

i started playing lamento n its rlly good so far ig i rlly am a furry huh... got some cute merch frm the con n im happy kek.. gonna b gone all weekend so no comic updates unfortunately

may 15th, 2019 11:55pm

im just gonna say it... matt is introvert me and jinsoos extrovert me maybe thats y i love them sm... bc theyre just me lol

may 15th, 2019 9:21pm

ndslaskmd im like... i always jump into things w/o planning first? like oops

may 14th, 2019 3:08pm

i have since calmed down from the effects of banana fish. i no longer cry. but. everytime i think abt it. i still get sad like just a lil pang in my heart lol... im gonna get a tattoo abt this anime i stg... no ragrets god i love this show fnlas anyways im gonna go to otafest... n buy any bf merch i find..,, now that i have income. nothing will stop me >:) also... nct this weekend epic.. win :)

may 13th, 2019 11:37am

just wanna stay in bed all day zzz felt sad when i got up lol

may 13th, 2019 2:47am

i cant fukin sleep bc of banana fish like its seriously got me so fucked up i can see literally anythinf and itll remind me abt banana fish and ill get so gotdam sad and start crying again idk when im gonna b a functional humam being again but this shit is affecting me so. hard like im so sad idk why i feel so much towards this show but ugh... i love it so much... i was thinking abt reading the manga once i finished the anime but like idk if i can put myself through this pain again lol like maybe... in the future but rn i really cant handle it sigh

may 12th, 2019 11:33pm

ash: *takes a deep breath*
ash: i lov-
anyone who has ever talked to ash ever: yes, you love eiji okumura. we know. you love eiji okumura so much; he's the light of your life, you love him so much. you just love eiji okumura. we KNOW. you love EIJI OKUMURA. you fucking love eiji okumura, okay. we know, we get it. EIJI OKUMURA. WE GET IT.

may 12th, 2019 11:31pm

god just thinking abt it makes me so sad idc if im a capricorn or a scorpio rising I. Am. A. Cancer. Within.

may 12th, 2019 11:11pm

god im so sad right now like literally so got dam overwhelmed with emotion i am so sad. i havent cried over an anime in so long... :'((( im so emo... theres so much emotion in this show wtf im T_T it was so bittersweet i cant cope :( fuck...i am so emotionally attached rn

may 11th, 2019 11:11pm

i actually went thru mal and like.. theres so many good anime i havent watched or finished yet like ughghh theres too many lol but one day i will get thru them i believe in myself lol

may 11th, 2019 9:36pm

flasnd im so not used to binge watchign anime anymore sigh i miss the says where i would watch whole series in a day.. now i max out at like 7 eps or so :(( but like.. i feel like i can be doing other things with my time rather than just like watching anime all day i just cant do it.. but anyways... my stance on banana fish holds like... THERE IS JUST SO MUCH LOVE BETWEEN EIJI N ASH??? i love it so much the emotion... the character designs and like how their personalities r fleshed out like ugh... nut... and like the music and animation r pretty nice too i might read the manga after too laknfsa i just love 80s art so gotdam much

may 11th, 2019 1:57am

nlnaslknda god tumblr is so funny but also like i hate tumblr too much guilt trippy garbage and misinfo not to mention the fake woke levels are crazy lol but like... still some quality content on there ngl.. but the fact that my blog got fukin claimed as sensitive content and I cant even access My Own Blog makes me very angery... its absolute garbage lmfao no one takes care of that site its dead. anyways i want affection someone pls.. hold hand

may 11th, 2019 1:48am

i love old internet aes...like obvs i wasnt arnd for like the iconic 90s pages like myspace or w/e but i was around to play flyff and maplestory in their prime so thats a win.. and like the birth of internet classics like the ultimate showdown LIKE?? my friends have no idea what that is... im an internet baby through and through lmfao

may 11th, 2019 1:24am

wow i rlly cannot shut up tonight huh lol but like not like anyones forcing anyone to read this sht lol also just a tw: suic*de but like... for real i cannot believe how suicidal i was a few years back like... wow.. i'm like still in shock lmfao like straight up sent to the hospital for suicide threats just last year wait wtf that sounds fake but ok.. but yea 2019 has been a straight up game changer like my life has improved phenomonally? like not evn like my life per se but like my mindset ig?? like i've matured so much this past year and like i'm actually looking forward to the future lol but anyways.. personal growth lmao im def proud of myself for overcoming what seemed to be the worst of my life and lets hope its not a so far situation haha

may 11th, 2019 1:07am

i love vocaloid sm... i saw a tweet abt daughter/servant of evil and like i cant stop listening to vocaloid like the music is so good... idec that like its "cringy" like sure it was it was popular in like 2009 we were all just kids back then y_y vocaloid makes me happy.,, the nostalgia is strong.. but its not even just that? theres so much emotion that goes into the songs and like thank u sm vocaloid producers for making not only my childhood but also my current self very happy ^_^

may 11th, 2019 1:03am

if i got plans then u got plans! i love that song... thank u niki. but anyways here's the plan i guess lmao so basically. i think what i want to do with my ocverses is:
bbcream: webtoon
halo: manga
misadventure may verse: manga
lets hope i go thru with these!! but also... halo and misadventuremayverse are like pretty similar like adventure shounen type manga so i might just make halo one.. and then have like mini pages for the misadventure may verse... bc i do wanna try different genres out rather than just having 2 similar stories lol and like. ive already spent so much time developing halos characters and universe im Not dropping it all loool and omg... i have so many plans and ideas imma write em down here so i dont forget!! ive always wanted to make like a vocaloid mv lol.. like i cant make music so id prolyl start off w/ like a cover or smthin w/ minimal animation and then move my way up to like better animations? its ambitious but lets push ourselves to improve hehe i also kinda wanna make like another ocverse lool i remember wanting to make a robot oc but i nvr did...
EDIT: may 15th, 2019 3:14pm
yoo i totally forgot... i wanna make another visual novel!! but like... a good one not a joke hehe >:3c

may 11th, 2019 12:15am

idk if i shoulda just made one big monster post but like these things have nothing to do with each other lmaoo so i made em seperate but like making a website is so much fun?? like i LOVE learning to code for my own personal use like all my renpy visual novels that were all lost when my computers hard drive got fuked :') and like learning html and css was also rlly fun !! and like when i first started my degree i actually hated it lmaoo i was like why is this so hard i dont understand anything im switching out T_T but like now that i'm done first yr i actually really like comp sci and like being able to create sht with code is like actually amazing and i'm starting to grow an appreciation for it hehe

may 11th, 2019 12:11am

hello again my banana fish artbook shipped out and im so excited to get it in person i am in love with the art style based on the pictures and like lmao i havent evn finished the show yet and i still think its one of my faves so far.. just like when i watched love by chance and like its one of my fave dramas n i knew it from ep 3 flsdlsad i'll finish it one day lol but like i'm so behind on misadventure may i wanna draw... but banana fish... :( also i wanna actually start the part 4 n 5 anime for jojo... im a fake fan u_u

may 11th, 2019 12:04am

god i talk so much LMFAOO i cant help it im an extravert xDD but freal i dont wanna bother my friends too much by like talking too much u know? this is such a nice platform being abt to talk abt whatever the hell i want w/o knowing who's reading or even expecting anyone to read it at all tbh like... freedom? this is my new diary that is public LOL i literally wanna talk abt so many things at the very moment like i gotta get these thoughts out or like?/ idk man.. i have work tmr morning sigh but like all i wanna do is draw n watch anime LOL and i have to do readings for class god i am ILLITERATE!!! i hate academic readings like?? im idiot? LMAO but like everytime i say im dumb its not evn in a self deprecating way its just like... a statement ive accepted as fact and there isnt anything wrong w being dum *huff emoji*

may 10th, 2019 11:46pm

i.. love 90s cartoons? like daria and king of the hill? i think i'm just a fan of like dry humor lol but like theyre just really fun shows and i love the style that the animation has!! and the colors i feel are more.. like subdued? it reminds me of like hxh 1999 and idk i just feel like its so natural to have the colours be like that instead of being rlly bright.. anyways i love propane and propane accessories

may 10th, 2019 9:58pm

i might start making posts like this bc honestly i dont think anyone cares on my twit n i dont wanna make long ass insta captions anymore lmao